I'd like to tell a bit more about my road to acceptance, if you'd care to read.

I haven't always been like this; quite the opposite. From the time I was a kid to the time I was about 20, I tried thousands of diets and weight loss programs. I even went as far as to keep a "diet journal" and write everything I'd eaten and done that day in it religiously, mostly, I realize now, because I was bored and it gave me something to do. But as soon as I got interested in something else, the diet was abandoned.

My parents were both fat, as were my grandparents later on in life. My Mother was always dieting and putting my Dad on some diet. That resulted in me thinking that my body was ugly, unnatural and that dieting was a very normal way of life. The funny thing was, I never learned good eating habits because of it, which is truly healthy.

My Dad died when he was 54 after being sick for 7 years. People assume it was because he was fat, of course, but what they don't know what that my Dad smoked 2 packs a day for 40 years and it ruined his lungs, making it impossible for him to live without a resperator or oxygen after he got pneumonia. But because my father was a fat man, people go, "Oh, he was fat. That's why."

I was 16 when my Dad died and it wrecked havic on my life...at 18, I became Anorexic. My Mother and I didn't get along, I was scared to come home from school, and my Father was gone - I thought if I was thin, I would get love, which I really needed. So I started an exercise and conditioning class at my school and stopped eating. It was easy because I was very involved with choir and spent most of my time after school working on stuff for the school musical. I didn't eat lunch, but then came home and told my Mother I had eaten a lot at school and wasn't hungry.

I did this for 5 months, only eating an apple once a week to sustain myself. I overworked myself in my exercise class, even working extra time after school. Eventually, I lost 40 lbs and EVERYONE was complimenting me, telling me how great I looked and it felt GREAT. I felt loved. But it caught up to me. It wasn't until I saw a video from a speech I did at a choir banquet that I realized how horrible I looked; I was pale, my face was gaunt and I had huge bags under my eyes. I eventually almost collapsed in gym class. My teacher, a huge health nut, took me aside and talked to me about being healthy while being fat. I thought it was bull; everyone KNEW that being thin was the only way to be healthy or to get love.

So I started eating again while exercising and gained it all back. I entered college that fall and fell in love with a man who would never love me back. I was so infatuated with him and so longed to be with him that I didn't care that he made comments about my weight; comments like, "you could have better orgasms if you were thin," or "you look pretty, but you'd look better if you were thinner." He kept me strung along, took his own body issues out on me and I just took it in my desperation to be loved.

It took awhile for me to see that he had major hate issues with his body and that he didn't love me and never would. It was hard to come to that realization because I was so blinded by love, but once I did, I started taking a good, long look at myself. Why did I hate my body? Why did I hate myself? Why was I letting what other people thought affect my happiness?

So I started researching loving myself, getting books and reading up on it. Pretty soon I found there was an entire community that promoted loving your body just the way it was and I immersed myself in reading about it and the concept of fat acceptance. I have always loved researching and there is a LOT of material out there on this subject, and in no time, I'd found out that there was nothing wrong with my body; it is beautiful just the way it is.

I started exercising and practicing healthy eating habits(as in eating LOTS of fruits and veggies and grains and water but NOT depriving myself of something I really want if I want it!) and loving myself instead of hating, and pretty soon I dumped the guy I'd loved who was bringing me down so badly. I got confidence, I got respect, and I got a feeling of inner-peace.

Mostly what I did was read; I read books like "Fat!So?" by Marilyn Wann and blogs like BigFatBlog.com and bought magazines that catered to women my size. I practiced affirmations; instead of telling myself I was ugly and stupid, I told myself I was beautiful and smart. It worked on both accounts. I surrounded myself with images and art and things that promoted love and self-love and tossed the negative things out.

Do I still have bad days? Oh yes. There are still days when I look at myself and think, "Oh lord, maybe I should lose 50 lbs...maybe I'd fit in..." but then I realize that is because there is a 40 Billion dollar industry telling me EVERY DAY, EVERYWHERE, that I am not OK the way I am and I'm still unlearning all that. Those days are very few and far between(we're talking once a year, maybe. lol) and I'm thankful for that.

I've been the same weight, 320 exactly, for two years now. No weight loss or gain. I feel wonderful, have lots of energy(probably too much), and feel more loved than ever...especially by my fantastic fiance who loves me and the way I look. This just goes to show that I never had to lose weight to be loved; I had to learn to love and be myself.

Hopefully my story continues for a long time. If not, then at least I lived my life full and happy instead of not living at all by depriving myself of all the things I want and hating myself.

The most important thing of all is this; I love my body.